Modern Romance
At some point, every one of us embarks on a journey to find love. We meet people, date, get into and out of relationships, all with the hope of finding someone with whom we share a deep connection. This seems standard now, but it’s wildly different from what people did even just decades ago. Single people today have more romantic options than at any point in human history. With technology, our abilities to connect with and sort through these options are staggering. So why are so many people frustrated?
Some of our problems are unique to our time. “Why did this guy just text me an emoji of a pizza?” “Should I go out with this girl even though she listed Combos as one of her favorite snack foods? Combos?!” “My girlfriend just got a message from some dude named Nathan. Who’s Nathan? Did he just send her a photo of his penis? Should I check just to be sure?”
But the transformation of our romantic lives can’t be explained by technology alone. In a short period of time, the whole culture of finding love has changed dramatically. A few decades ago, people would find a decent person who lived in their neighborhood. Their families would meet and, after deciding neither party seemed like a murderer, they would get married and soon have a kid, all by the time they were twenty-four. Today, people marry later than ever and spend years of their lives on a quest to find the perfect person, a soul mate.
For years, Aziz Ansari has been aiming his comic insight at modern romance, but for Modern Romance, the book, he decided he needed to take things to another level. He teamed up with NYU sociologist Eric Klinenberg and designed a massive research project, including hundreds of interviews and focus groups conducted everywhere from Tokyo to Buenos Aires to Wichita. They analyzed behavioral data and surveys and created their own online research forum on Reddit, which drew thousands of messages. They enlisted the world’s leading social scientists, including Andrew Cherlin, Eli Finkel, Helen Fisher, Sheena Iyengar, Barry Schwartz, Sherry Turkle, and Robb Willer. The result is unlike any social science or humor book we’ve seen before.
In Modern Romance, Ansari combines his irreverent humor with cutting-edge social science to give us an unforgettable tour of our new romantic world.
Review: This work of non-fiction is a look into today's dating and relationship world. While grounded by research conducted in partnership with sociologist Eric Klinenberg, the brilliance of this research-based book is that it is written by comedian Aziz Ansari. Littered with jokes, personal stories, and asides, this book manages to grip your attention on very real phenomena happening in the world of romance.
I truly did learn about some interesting trends while reading this book and confirm others that I already felt to be true. For instance, in the 1930s, the majority of couples were married to someone they met who lived on the same street or at least the same neighborhood. We know this has altered today because of the new phase called "emerging adulthood," where people in their twenties and thirties are spending time outside of their parents' home but before getting married. This phase has greatly expanded our dating pool. Also, in the past, most people were satisfied with "companionate marriage" whereas now, most people of looking for their "soul mate" (22). To compound this increased pressure to find the perfect person is the immense range of options afforded us by technology and online dating. We are literally overwhelmed by our options, making it difficult to narrow the pool down.
The section highlighting the perils and perks to dating in a small town also resonated with me: "I would never go on a first date somewhere in my town because I know all the waiters. I know all the bartenders. I know everybody" (136). And I was struck by the plight of Japan, where people just aren't dating or marrying, leading the government to invest millions in federally funded dating services. I also enjoyed reading about love in longterm relationships and how it morphs from passionate love into companionate love and how that shift is actually much more rewarding and fulfilling longterm.
Throughout, while learning some crazy interesting facts, I was kept entertained by Aziz's narration. If you've seen him in anything, it will be hard to read this book without hearing his voice in your head. This book really did make me laugh out loud numerous times - a difficult thing to do through text. As a writer, he's the charming, goofy, and sometimes corny person we recognize from his stand-up comedies and hit shows, as illustrated by his description of being the only single at a barbecue: "Everyone else was splitting their racks of ribs into halves and sharing. Meanwhile, I had to eat a whole rack by myself like some kind of lonely fatso" (210).
I tend to think that Aziz's target audience was fellow unmarried individuals in their late 20s and early 30s. However, I think this book was an enlightening look at the new reality of our social world today and as such, is an excellent read for anyone. As I read this, I couldn't help but wish that more of the (often dull) non-fiction, research-based books could be written by Ansari to keep us both informed and entertained.
Stars: 4
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