Unorthodox: The Scandalous Rejection of My Hasidic Roots by Deborah Feldman

 

Summary (from the publisher): Unorthodox is the bestselling memoir of a young Jewish woman’s escape from a religious sect, in the tradition of Ayaan Hirsi Ali’s Infidel and Carolyn Jessop’s Escape, featuring a new epilogue by the author.

As a member of the strictly religious Satmar sect of Hasidic Judaism, Deborah Feldman grew up under a code of relentlessly enforced customs governing everything from what she could wear and to whom she could speak to what she was allowed to read. Yet in spite of her repressive upbringing, Deborah grew into an independent-minded young woman whose stolen moments reading about the empowered literary characters of Jane Austen and Louisa May Alcott helped her to imagine an alternative way of life among the skyscrapers of Manhattan.

Trapped as a teenager in a sexually and emotionally dysfunctional marriage to a man she barely knew, the tension between Deborah’s desires and her responsibilities as a good Satmar girl grew more explosive until she gave birth at nineteen and realized that, regardless of the obstacles, she would have to forge a path—for herself and her son—to happiness and freedom.

Remarkable and fascinating, this “sensitive and memorable coming-of-age story” (Pittsburgh Post-Gazette) is one you won’t be able to put down.

Review: This shocking memoir tells the story of a young Jewish woman's escape from the Satmar sect of Hasidic Judaism. Deborah Feldman grew up under extremely regulated guidelines for how she could dress, eat, and behave. Raised by her grandparents after her mother left the sect, she attended a strict Satmar school and was placed into an arranged marriage as a teenager. The tension between her desires and her duty to her family and religion continue to escalate until after she becomes a mother at the age of nineteen and she decides to boldly seek a different path for herself and her son. 

Feldman's story is compelling and sensational. She casually drops shocking tidbits about her life and reveals the secrets behind her closeknit religious community that are otherwise unknown to outsiders. In this way, she provides a rare inside look into a way of life that is historically very private and secretive. Her love of reading is evident in the eloquent language used in this book: "Tzaar gidul bunim, the agony that comes with raising children, is the ultimate test of faith, he feels. God gives us children so that we may struggle all our lives to provide for them, protect the, and shape them into devout servants of Hashem" (42). 

I did feel like the author (perhaps deliberately) fails to answer a lot of questions that her book raises. For instance, she states early on that she could never gain custody of her son if she chose to leave her husband and then reveals that she does indeed gain custody, with no explanation of how she accomplished this supposedly impossible feat. She also provides no details about how financially or otherwise manages her great escape from her life.  She drops salacious stories without follow-up or further comment. At times the narrative seems to jump ahead in time without explanation or filling in the gaps. She comes across as having no affection or warm feelings towards anyone from her childhood aside from a couple friends. Those who raised her, including her grandparents, aunts, uncles, and teachers are all depicted as cold and unworthy of her affection. I was particularly surprised she didn't at least have more warm memories of the grandmother who raised her and who, like her, was also trapped in this religious society. 

Like others, I have read the allegations of inaccuracies in Feldman's account. Many from her past accuse her of omitting relevant details or deliberately failing to share pieces of her story in an effort to make her childhood come across as more repressed and herself more of a victim. For instance, some family members were excised from the story altogether for "privacy reasons" but she shares shockingly intimate details and photos of her ex-husband and seems wholly unconcerned with his privacy.  While I enjoyed her story and the insight into a community about which little is typically shared, this backlash does make me view her narrative much more critically and suspiciously. 

Stars: 3